A mom comes home and sees her son sitting in front of open fridge and eating frozen veggies.
Mom says, “Hey you could’ve at least microwaved them”.
Son suddenly turns around, “Who smoked weed? I smoked weed?”

ххх: choose a number
ууу: 512
ххх: smaller
ууу: 128
ххх: a bit more
ууу: 256
ххх: between 128 and 256
ууу: there is no such number
ххх: 0_о

Hyundai has introduced a brand new concept of friction-based seat heater. You have to rub your ass against the seat as fast as you can.

A jew was asked once, “Do you want to live for a thousand of years?”
To which he answered, “A thosand total or thousand more?”

You’re supposed to read mortgage ads backwards. Not “Need a loan? No problems!” but “Need problems? Get a loan!”

titmouse: STOP IT! I’m not a mouse with tits, I’m TITMOUSE! TIT-MOUSE! Check answers.com, zoophiles!

Year 2008.
It’s 100th anniversary of hockey.
Russia is playing against Canada in hockey.
Russia becomes World Champion.
Not even South Park could insult Canadians like that.